Forgot About My Little Blog

It's apparently been years since I've written here.

I just celebrated my one year anniversary at the "new" job. Because I'm working on a laptop every night and weekend, I have less time and desire to sit down at a laptop and write out my thoughts. It's just draining.

Husband and I are doing ok. We're solid and hopeful for better and brighter things in the future. We're both working hard to make our dreams a reality. We both know our struggles are temporary. Aside from that, it's Spring! Cherry Blossoms are popping soon. Tulip fields will be full. I can't wait to get outside and enjoy our surroundings. The closer I am to nature, the further I am from stress.

I'm Addicted to Budgeting!

We made a New Years Resolution to tighten down our spending. As a young but growing family, we've been pretty terrible about saving anything. We pretty much earn what we can, borrow when we need to, and break even at the end of the month. 2013 was a full year of us both working our two jobs with two incomes. My husband's pay is commission only, so I needed the full year to really see his earning potential. We had several really bad months but there were amazing months that more than made up for the bad ones. However, there was no extra savings. We blew the extra. We did a big move last year that cost us money we didn't have due to paying rent in two locations for almost 2 months. We do not intend to move this year, so I'm glad we don't need to face it again. We have plans for a big (costly) family vacation in 2016. We also have a new baby on the way. The hubby will be out of work for a week or two to help out, and he won't be getting paid. The more I can squirrel away, the better for us all. It helps that tax refunds are arriving now. It's so encouraging to put that cash into savings and start snowballing it. This is a very healthy addiction for me since I love analyzing numbers and moving things around.

Our Budget

I take all my estimated income for the month (net) and subtract ALL the bills I know we pay each month. For utilities, I use mint.com to find my averages. I always round up my numbers to stay conservative. Anyway, the difference between my income and my bills is then divided by 5 weeks. There are some months when we only need 4 weeks of money, so that 5th week goes into savings. If my husband makes more than his estimated income, I put that extra into savings. If he earns less than his budgeted income, the difference comes out of savings. This helps save during good months and rescues us during the bad ones.

Hurdles to Budgeting

With all my math worked out, we get $300 to spend per week. Every Monday, I start out with $300, and everything I buy comes out of that. I subtract groceries, gasoline, gifts, clothing, going out, activities, etc. We've had some set backs/surprises in our weekly budget however. The first surprise was an annual fee from our online backup company. That $50 came out on a Tuesday and made things tight for the rest of the week. The next surprise was worse. We realized we only had $5 left on a Saturday and had planned on doing a date night. Our date night was then downgraded to an "eat at Costco" night. I kid you not, Costco's annual membership fee came out the same day. I saw a charge for $55 and was not expecting it. That brought us to NEGATIVE $50 for the week! Because of that surprise falling so late in the week, I had to carry the negative into my next week. As I type this, I have $39 remaining in my budget to last through Sunday (and it's only Thursday). I've thankfully already deducted $20 for date night to prevent anything from ruining our fun again. While driving to get gasoline, my car's oil change light came on. I thought, "you gotta be kidding me!" We can't afford the oil change this weekend, so it'll have to wait until next week. In the past, we would have overspent our budget. When we overspend our budgets, it's a slippery slope. We lose control and all of this gets blown. That's why I need to keep my addiction up.

Budget Helpers

I don't do a lot of driving, so we probably fill up our gas tank once every 2 weeks. When I fill up, it's a huge chunk of change that hurts our weekly budget. Instead, we've decided to fill up once per week no matter what. It'll help lessen the blow of the fill up on those odd weeks. Another tip I've learned to help stop spending is related to Zulily. I read somewhere that many of their sale priced items are on Amazon for similar prices. The other day, I was tempted to order a few outfits for my kids because they all coordinated and looked amazingly cute. Before purchasing, I remembered to check Amazon. Upon reading reviews, I learned that the company's sizing ran small and kids outgrew them quickly. Really, the reviews weren't good at all. I quickly closed Zulily and saved myself at least $50 (which we didn't have anyway). Last year, I was always tempted by online sales, discounts, etc. and would never skimp on my kids when they needed things. This year, I don't feel like we're skimping, but I just want to be smarter about what the kids need vs what's on sale. I think with less clothing and toys, the house will be less cluttered and laundry won't pile up constantly.

New Baby Expenses

Our baby is a boy, and we don't have any 0-12 month boy clothing. Before moving out east, we took out pieces of clothing for memories and gave the rest of it all to my friend. She was due in November with a son, and my son's December+ wardrobe was perfect for her. At that time, we assumed we were done making babies. Fast forward to now, and we have nothing. Even if I had saved his clothing, the seasons weren't appropriate. I placed an ISO online asking for cheap or free bulk clothing, and two mothers reached out to me. We were given several bags of high quality/name brand clothing for 0-6 months from a local mother. It was all free. I was blown away by her generosity, and she's going to keep giving us clothing as her son grows out of it. Another mother had two banker's boxes full of 0-9 month clothing. I paid only $25 for it, and it's all seasonally appropriate. She had two boys born in April. Of course, even with the generosity of these moms, I still want to buy things for my boy. We've bought about 5 different outfits for him including his take home outfit and his 1st year onesies for his monthly picky sticky photos. I have the picky sticky order sitting in my cart just waiting for a good week to spend money on them. My sister-in-law loaned us a snuggle nest which is normally $20 used. I sold ours when we finished using it with our daughter, and we desperately wanted it back for this baby boy. To my sister-in-law, it was a no brainer loaning it out. To us, it was a blessing.

Long Term Savings

Ultimately, I would like to save up an emergency account to cover our bills in case of job loss. We'd like to have 6 months of income sitting in an account in case something happens. This counts for both our incomes combined since we can't afford to live off only one. Once our emergency fund is squared away, I want to pay down debt. We have a car payment to make and our rental property mortgage. We are fine renting our home right now and have somewhat lost the desire to become home owners anytime soon. While I'd love to own a forever home, I just don't know what the future holds, and I don't want to be tied down to anything like an underwater mortgage. We are taking advantage of our current low rent and throwing more into savings.

Well Hello!

So far, this summer is better than last. I now have two toddlers and am no longer attached to a breast pump 24/7. My husband landed a great job this past winter, and we are still currently renting a home in our new state. We have faced some challenges this past year but have hopefully come out stronger and closer. Due to social networking, I am exposed to people and friends I wouldn't ordinarily know. There has been some terribly tragic situations with my friends, and each circumstance has made me truly count my blessings. Who am I to complain about life?

I've realized I must have things to look forward to otherwise I feel stuck in a rut. My life can feel rather monotonous at times, and I know I can judge myself too harshly. There's things we want for our family both long and short term, and it gives me hope to be on the same page as my husband.

My own personal tragedy this year came from euthanizing my dog. He bit my son for a second time, and my heart broke. Not a moment passes when I stop missing him. Even though I'm human and married and a mother of two small children, I feel like every day I live is a crime against my dog. He was my first responsibility 11 years ago. He relied on me to keep him safe. What did I do for him? I raised him to be antisocial. I forced him to live with children. I moved him across country. I caged him anytime I had something better to do. He spent these last 2-3 years miserable and depressed. No wonder he snapped at my child. He was scared and felt alone. Keeping him alive and having him severely harm my child would have been worse, but that scenario doesn't make euthanizing him a good decision. I wanted a sign to tell me I was doing the right thing. I never got it. I will never come to terms with putting him down. It only gets easier because I try to bury the pain. I think of him often when I'm alone. Most people think I'm nuts for still hurting, but I made the decision to end the life of my family member. He wasn't sick. He didn't understand. I didn't protect him from the crazy 2 year old mini human who wanted to touch him all the time. I failed. He paid the ultimate price.

This year will forever be tarnished by his passing and the events leading up to it. I hope he can forgive me and that I may see him again.

Christianity's Importance in my life

I broke down into tears a week ago while I was pumping and both kids were crying as my husband played with them. At that moment, I realized something profound.

If I weren't Christian, I'd be dead already.

Because my belief in God is strong, I have the view that my life isn't truly mine to take. It would ve the ultimate sin to commit suicide.

Aside from that belief, I would have already ended my life. In my heart, I've brought two beautiful kids into the world. I truly feel my job is done. Every day, I wonder if my words or actions are somehow negatively impacting my kids. I think they are. I think they could go on to live full, successful lives without me. I don't fear death. My beliefs prevent me from taking my own life, so I must try to improve myself until my end.

When I get hints and remarks that infer my husband doesn't believe in God, I am saddened. It's because of God that my husband still has me as a wife. It's because of God that my children still have me as a mother. How can he not believe?

I don't see an end to my troubles unfortunately. I'm normally level headed and can put a plan in motion to achieve any goal. In this case, I'm lost. I'm spiraling downwards.

I'm a shitty wife

There, I said it. It's true.