Well Hello!

So far, this summer is better than last. I now have two toddlers and am no longer attached to a breast pump 24/7. My husband landed a great job this past winter, and we are still currently renting a home in our new state. We have faced some challenges this past year but have hopefully come out stronger and closer. Due to social networking, I am exposed to people and friends I wouldn't ordinarily know. There has been some terribly tragic situations with my friends, and each circumstance has made me truly count my blessings. Who am I to complain about life?

I've realized I must have things to look forward to otherwise I feel stuck in a rut. My life can feel rather monotonous at times, and I know I can judge myself too harshly. There's things we want for our family both long and short term, and it gives me hope to be on the same page as my husband.

My own personal tragedy this year came from euthanizing my dog. He bit my son for a second time, and my heart broke. Not a moment passes when I stop missing him. Even though I'm human and married and a mother of two small children, I feel like every day I live is a crime against my dog. He was my first responsibility 11 years ago. He relied on me to keep him safe. What did I do for him? I raised him to be antisocial. I forced him to live with children. I moved him across country. I caged him anytime I had something better to do. He spent these last 2-3 years miserable and depressed. No wonder he snapped at my child. He was scared and felt alone. Keeping him alive and having him severely harm my child would have been worse, but that scenario doesn't make euthanizing him a good decision. I wanted a sign to tell me I was doing the right thing. I never got it. I will never come to terms with putting him down. It only gets easier because I try to bury the pain. I think of him often when I'm alone. Most people think I'm nuts for still hurting, but I made the decision to end the life of my family member. He wasn't sick. He didn't understand. I didn't protect him from the crazy 2 year old mini human who wanted to touch him all the time. I failed. He paid the ultimate price.

This year will forever be tarnished by his passing and the events leading up to it. I hope he can forgive me and that I may see him again.

Christianity's Importance in my life

I broke down into tears a week ago while I was pumping and both kids were crying as my husband played with them. At that moment, I realized something profound.

If I weren't Christian, I'd be dead already.

Because my belief in God is strong, I have the view that my life isn't truly mine to take. It would ve the ultimate sin to commit suicide.

Aside from that belief, I would have already ended my life. In my heart, I've brought two beautiful kids into the world. I truly feel my job is done. Every day, I wonder if my words or actions are somehow negatively impacting my kids. I think they are. I think they could go on to live full, successful lives without me. I don't fear death. My beliefs prevent me from taking my own life, so I must try to improve myself until my end.

When I get hints and remarks that infer my husband doesn't believe in God, I am saddened. It's because of God that my husband still has me as a wife. It's because of God that my children still have me as a mother. How can he not believe?

I don't see an end to my troubles unfortunately. I'm normally level headed and can put a plan in motion to achieve any goal. In this case, I'm lost. I'm spiraling downwards.

I'm a shitty wife

There, I said it. It's true.

Who Am I?

Am I my husband's wife? Am I my children's mother? I stay at home with them. I have no career. I have no hobbies. Each day feels like a test in survival for me. How long until I get myself back? I put myself in this position and wouldn't trade it for anything, but I'm internally bitter. My poor husband gets the brunt of it. When I'm not happy, he's the first to know.  I hope this phase passes within the next year. I would love to feel happy again and have my own identity.

Poor Self-Image Post Partum

I'm having a really hard time feeling attractive right now. It's been 4 months since having my beautiful baby girl, and I actually look worse than I did right after. I'm still 10 pounds away from my overweight, pre-pregnancy size. My face breaks out like crazy due to stress, and I'm losing tons of hair each day.

I have to wear my hair in a ponytail each day because my daughter constantly vomits into it when down. My abdominals are loose and flabby, so my belly sticks out. My jeans have to be tight to fit my legs, and I have to wear baggy shirts to hide the extreme muffin top caused by the jeans. My hair is in dire need of another trim and some highlights. I just trimmed 4 inches off in May, and there's already another 4 inches of fried ends remaining.

I just can't look at myself in the mirror and feel good about myself. I eat poorly because its my only escape. If I could, I'd probably drink all the time. I love that drunk happy feeling. Unfortunately, I get drunk about twice a year.

I just feeling like I'm slacking in every aspect of my life. I look at my previous body in photos with nothing but jealousy and anger. I know parts of my body are permanently changed, so I can't ever go back.