While she wouldn't be my first choice in providing care for my son, she happened to be the only person who was home all day and willing to watch my son for free.
I work part-time for measly money. If I had to pay for daycare, my entire paycheck would literally be given to someone else. Considering I don't want my son in daycare before he's able to communicate, I had a huge problem with paying a stranger to care for the most important thing in my life. There was no way I wanted to work out of the home in order to pay a stranger to watch my son.
My mom offered to watch my son temporarily until my work hours could switch or until my husband could sign up for the USMC. Either option would have allowed us to keep our son free of all daycare. Unfortunately for everyone, my mom's panic disorder re-appeared.
While she suffers from anxiety everyday, she has been able to live panic attack free for many years thanks to avoiding triggers and taking meds. And while panic disorder is 100% curable, my mom chose to isolate herself from normal situations rather than get better. She offered to watch our son at most, 3 days per week and 3 hours per day.
With our son practically asleep in his car seat each day, I didn't think my mom would have anything to stress over. Instead, she began "what-if'ing" herself into panic. "What if I fall down? What if I have a heart attack? What if I die and no one is here to watch the baby??" These are the strange and irrational thoughts my mom has conveyed to me. Any death or accident on the news only made her thoughts worse. While working herself into a dysfunctional, irrational panic, she was basically screwing me over. She went from saying, "I hope you can get your hours changed soon," to, "I can't do this much longer," to, "I need someone with me to help watch him today," to, "I can't do it all anymore." All of her requests to me were understandable, but they just added to the daily stress I was under. I was stuck between my mom going crazy and my employer not budging on scheduling. My innocent, wonderful son was the poor soul caught in the middle.
I felt like we were risking his health and safety every time we brought him to my mom's house. She smokes. She curses. She yells. She has two barking dogs that are, at times, uncontrollable. Her "babysitting" was far from deserving of my son. Each day, I begged my husband to get more focused on losing weight, so he could re-enlist in the USMC. I was at a loss. With my mom talking herself into the nut house, I needed to do something.
She was telling me that my husband wasn't allowed to kiss our son when he dropped him off. She was telling my husband I was not allowed to get angry with her for canceling on daycare at the last minute. A father isn't allowed to love his child? A daughter isn't allowed to get pissed off about having no where to take her son? We have been so angry with my mom these last few weeks.
I quit my job. We sold our second car. I was going to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) with no car to use unless my husband was home as well. Co-workers got wind of why I had quit, and one proposed to my director a solution that would enable me to continue working during the hours my husband was not working. Now, we will be trading the baby off. I will get off work, and my husband will be in the parking lot with our son. My husband will go to work, and I will drive home.
This situation is much better than the former. Even so, I hope and pray each day that my husband will take his health more seriously in order to better our family life. I want to try for a second child at some point, and I can't do that with our current home, car situation, and salaries. I really don't want his lack of will-power ruining our family planning.
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