Image by jon|k via Flickr
Wow. I just wrote an entire blog post out about how much of a failure I am at parenting. My shirt is soaked with tears, and I decided to just delete everything. To summarize, I feel like my baby loves my husband more, and I feel like my husband is a better
parent than I. While my hubby is busy taking care of my baby, I'm the one floating off in the distance. At work, when everyone is busy either working or gossiping, I'm the one not paying attention to either. I zone out when I drive too. Everything is routine and mundane. Instead of being excited about something new and different, I get anxious and freaked out. Today was my first experience of wanting to curse and scream and cry during a meltdown but not being able to. I was home alone with my son. I most definitely don't want him seeing me unstable, so I held him and smiled. This was actually the first time I've ever missed being a non-parent since December. There are so many "luxuries" people give up once they become parents, but I was more prepared to give up most things. I really only miss having my private time to be immature or ridiculous without worrying about how it's affecting someone else.
My facebook account has now become a daily baby update page. I already know it's annoying for my friends to read. I really DON'T want to post about my baby all the time, but it's difficult finding interest in anything else. I actually spend most of the time on my cell phone looking at a secret facebook group full of women with December babies. I could have never predicted that these women would become some of my closest friends. Since finding each other on
iVillage, we've shared some of the deepest, most intimate secrets and details of our lives. I would be completely and utterly lost without those women and their daily baby topics.
Clearly, I'm still lacking a spark or passion for anything right now. That seems to be an ongoing problem in my life. Just realized I have 15 minutes until my husband gets off work and wonders what I've done with my night. Let's ignore the fact that we have a flight to catch in 8 hours. :(
2 comments:
Oh sweetie, please go easy on yourself. Adapting to motherhood is a looong process, so no, you're not supposed to feel like you've got it all together by now :). You're still getting used to this new life. In time, not that you've arrived (who has?), but you'll live at peace with it and get used to going with the flow, even if it doesn't feel ideal at the moment. You'll see one moment your child might seem more attached to your husband, and on the other feel like you're the most needed woman in the world (because, for him you are!). These things (weird feelings, impressions, etc) fluctuate, and one thing you can count on with a child is that things are always changing. But I promise you, in time your inside will stable and you'll feel more confident going through it. So next time your baby seems to want to go with dad, say Hallelujah :) and go have some "me" time, without feeling the least bad for it. You NEED it (and your baby needs you to be nice to you). Oh, and never feel bad about baby updates - they show you're an awesome mommy, and whoever doesn't get that doesn't deserve a second of your thoughts :). You're doing great - don't let anything or anyone else make you believe otherwise!
Anne, you always know how to say the right things to make me feel better. Ever since I started reading your blog, I've had a window into what our immediate future holds. Thank you!
I'm going to try not to write blog posts when I'm upset. It's really hard to do because I sometimes feel like I have no other outlet for my worries. However, I don't want my blog sounding like a suicide note or anything. LOL
PS. I didn't say it in the comment on your blog, but I'm secretly hoping you were hinting at a possible pregnancy. :D
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