My son will be 4 weeks old tomorrow, and even today I've had mixed emotions about being a mom. I'm writing this post because baby blues are very real.
The Ups:
There's just pure excitement and joy when I look at or think of my son. I can't believe my body was able to nurture and grow this little man from a fertilized egg. I think he looks just like his daddy, and it's so impressive to see his changes from day to day. While it may not seem like much to others, I see his eyes following objects. I hear his baby sounds and coos. I feel his arms, legs, and neck getting stronger each day. When I haven't seen him for a while and my husband brings him into the room, I immediately want to stare into his eyes. My eyes tear up whenever he matches my smiles with a smile of his own regardless of why he's doing it at this young age. I love that we co-sleep as a family. He's sleeps right between my husband and I in our king size bed. Waking up to hear him stirring in the morning is so refreshing. I almost forget sometimes that I'm a new mom, and I wake up to be reminded. It's a beautiful thing.
The Downs:
I had a horrible recovery from labor. I was torn and cut and sewn back together. My nipple shape and my son's sucking habits completely prevented breastfeeding in the hospital and at home, so my husband really stepped it up to feed and change him once we settled in. Upon feeling like a failure to provide food and a failure to be able to get up and out of bed, I was sobbing off and on for several days. I couldn't imagine how women throughout time were able to take care of their infants and here I was, drugged up and crying on the couch unable to care for mine. Even today, my husband and I had difficulties getting my son to calm down after a feeding. We were both running on no sleep, and every idea I had to calm him was met with my husband telling me it wouldn't work. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to give my son back to wherever he came from. I thought about my husband being a stay at home dad while I worked. I thought about getting in the car and never coming back. I most certainly didn't feel like this child's mother. I think it's really hard in the early stages when your child doesn't react to your or respond to your smell, sound, or touch. I think any woman could hold my child and elicit the same responses. The "bond" I kept reading about during pregnancy just hasn't happened for me. At times, I feel nothing but disconnect from him. When I read on the internet about other moms enjoying every part of their newborn's lives, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like just giving him to one of these "miracle" moms, so he can be taken care of properly.
Support:
I belong to a December pregnancy group on Facebook. We all had babies due in December, and we've been talking for months. Whenever I have an issue with breastfeeding or something else, these women are there for me with advice and resources. I am now able to breastfeed provided I wear a nipple shield. I now know I'm not alone with my stretch marks and loose stomach muscles. I honestly don't know how people had babies before the internet. I would be wholly and totally lost without it. I'm getting the impression that I'm a bit more lost with my newborn than other first time moms in our support group, but that's because I worry about so many different things throughout the day.
It's a day by day process, and all I can hope for is more support and to never let my son feel like he's not loved by his mommy because that certainly isn't the case.
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