Christianity's Importance in my life

I broke down into tears a week ago while I was pumping and both kids were crying as my husband played with them. At that moment, I realized something profound.

If I weren't Christian, I'd be dead already.

Because my belief in God is strong, I have the view that my life isn't truly mine to take. It would ve the ultimate sin to commit suicide.

Aside from that belief, I would have already ended my life. In my heart, I've brought two beautiful kids into the world. I truly feel my job is done. Every day, I wonder if my words or actions are somehow negatively impacting my kids. I think they are. I think they could go on to live full, successful lives without me. I don't fear death. My beliefs prevent me from taking my own life, so I must try to improve myself until my end.

When I get hints and remarks that infer my husband doesn't believe in God, I am saddened. It's because of God that my husband still has me as a wife. It's because of God that my children still have me as a mother. How can he not believe?

I don't see an end to my troubles unfortunately. I'm normally level headed and can put a plan in motion to achieve any goal. In this case, I'm lost. I'm spiraling downwards.

I'm a shitty wife

There, I said it. It's true.

Who Am I?

Am I my husband's wife? Am I my children's mother? I stay at home with them. I have no career. I have no hobbies. Each day feels like a test in survival for me. How long until I get myself back? I put myself in this position and wouldn't trade it for anything, but I'm internally bitter. My poor husband gets the brunt of it. When I'm not happy, he's the first to know.  I hope this phase passes within the next year. I would love to feel happy again and have my own identity.

Poor Self-Image Post Partum

I'm having a really hard time feeling attractive right now. It's been 4 months since having my beautiful baby girl, and I actually look worse than I did right after. I'm still 10 pounds away from my overweight, pre-pregnancy size. My face breaks out like crazy due to stress, and I'm losing tons of hair each day.

I have to wear my hair in a ponytail each day because my daughter constantly vomits into it when down. My abdominals are loose and flabby, so my belly sticks out. My jeans have to be tight to fit my legs, and I have to wear baggy shirts to hide the extreme muffin top caused by the jeans. My hair is in dire need of another trim and some highlights. I just trimmed 4 inches off in May, and there's already another 4 inches of fried ends remaining.

I just can't look at myself in the mirror and feel good about myself. I eat poorly because its my only escape. If I could, I'd probably drink all the time. I love that drunk happy feeling. Unfortunately, I get drunk about twice a year.

I just feeling like I'm slacking in every aspect of my life. I look at my previous body in photos with nothing but jealousy and anger. I know parts of my body are permanently changed, so I can't ever go back.

You Have a Juicy, Rolling Oozer. My Failed ECV Experience!

I'm 36 weeks pregnant, and my daughter is breech. I figured she was and had it confirmed last week. This week, I scheduled an External Cephalic Version (ECV) to try and have my doctor turn her into a more favorable position for vaginal delivery. Prior to this week, I was doing breech tilts and inversions. I was using flashlights and frozen peas. Nothing was helping her budge. I thought she was more transverse than breech because I could feel her feet/kicking movements on my middle, right side.

We had to really scramble to prep for this ECV. The success rate is around 50-60% .The failure outcome is usually that the baby won't turn head down. There is a slight and minimal risk of cord issues, placental tears, or uterine ruptures which force moms to undergo emergency c-sections on the spot. We planned for the c-section, hoped for the version, and assumed she wouldn't budge.  Packing up everything for myself and for my son to go to his uncle's house was stressful. My husband did most of the work since I was tired and stressed out. I was trying to hurry up and finish crocheting my daughter's baby blanket since we intend to use it for her hospital pictures. So, I was crocheting away while my husband was collecting things. Our son has never been outside our care overnight (much less 4 days), so it was hard trying to figure out what he needed.

We dropped our son off and headed to the hospital. I delivered my son in the same labor & delivery 14 months ago, so it was surreal being back. The sights and sounds and smells totally hit my senses. I didn't feel ready to deliver my daughter at all. They hooked me up to a monitor and it was so nice hearing her heart beat and movements. My husband actually got up to use the restroom and her heart rate jumped from 140 to 170. I told him she didn't like when he left. He added that neither me nor my son like when he leaves.  It's true. We're all dependent on him now. Ha!

The nurse I received was extremely loud. I think she liked to hear herself talk. She walked in with another woman and introduced her as a student. I do not want to be a guinea pig nor do I want an audience. I didn't speak up to tell her so, but my anxiety went up. She had to start an IV in my arm in the off-chance I needed a c-section. I pass out with the sight of veins/blood/guts, so I made sure to look away and out the window. Instead of recognizing the signs I gave of feeling uncomfortable, the nurse just went on explaining what she was doing. The last thing I want to hear is what my veins look like or how they perform. Both women commented on how big and juicy my vein was. She mentioned how I had a roller and talked to my vein like it was a person. I was trying my best not to picture anything, but my imagination is very vivid. I just wanted her to shut up. She finally got the IV in and left me alone. By then, my other hand was wet with sweat. After an hour total of monitoring and waiting, my doctor finally arrived.

I love my OBGYN. She seems really down to earth but cool at the same time. I don't want anyone overly professional or overly maternal. She is the perfect lady-doc for me. With the use of an u/s machine, we discovered that Baby V was slightly diagonal. Looking down at my belly, her head was closer to a 9 o'clock position. Breech would be 6 o'clock, and head down would be 12 o'clock. Since she was facing 6 o'clock, my doc had to attempt to turn her 3/4 turn towards my cervix using her butt/spine/head. Trying to push her backwards 1/4 turn would have been technically easier, but it's not a good idea pushing backwards on the head of a baby.

So, she pushed forwards. I was told I would get a uterine relaxer and saw it sitting on the table, but it was never administered. I had researched and found that some moms were given pain killers, and I wasn't even offered it. Truthfully, I didn't want painkillers, but I certainly thought they would use the terbutaline on my uterus. I had my husband secretly record the entire procedure using my cell phone. I was flat on my back and wanted to look back to see how things really looked. She tried and tried to move Baby V. Baby V made it to 6 o'clock pretty easily. My doc tried harder and got her to 3 o'clock, but Baby V would instantly swing her head back into breech position. With one final attempt, it was determined that she wasn't going any further. My ECV failed. I stayed there another 30 minutes for monitoring, and the heart rate monitor kept losing signal. Baby V was wiggling around and moving away from the sensor. That 30 minutes was scary because she didn't kick much and we had to keep searching for her heart beat. I think she was in a bit of shock from being moved. We were released soon after.

I'm not completely disappointed in the failure. Since she was sort of stuck in my side, it was nice to get her up and down. Transverse c-sections are a bit more difficult than any other angle because it's hard to get them out through the cut. Also, now that she's been moved, I'm hoping she realizes there's more moving to be done. She doesn't have to stay in one position anymore. I found a local Webster Technique Certified Chiropractor and will be visiting her tomorrow morning. The Webster Technique has been found to help breech babies move head down by adjusting and aligning a mother's pelvic bones. I have pretty bad lower back pain, so it would be nice to get things straightened out even if she doesn't flip. If she's breech BECAUSE of my back issues, this would really help get her moving. I'm looking forward to going.

In the meantime, I've scheduled my c-section. I'm researching c-sections and getting helpful tips and advice from friends and strangers. The biggest cause of stress to me is the unknown. Depending on what happens, I have to drastically change plans for my son's care.

If Baby V flips before my c-section, I will want a vaginal birth. I would like to induce it as well. If I go vaginally, I will only be needing childcare for 2-3 days with my son. If Baby V doesn't flip and I need a c-section, I will need someone to care for him for 3-5 days. My brother and his wife have volunteered to watch my son, but they are hoping for some dates. They don't have kids and have very little experience with my son, but I know they will be great. My in-laws are amazing with kids and will now be flying out here to arrive 1 day before my c-section. They will stay at our home with our son while we go in for the c-section. I haven't told my brother yet because I don't want our secret scheduled date to get loose among my family members. Next Wednesday, I will try and beg my doctor to adjust my c-section date two days earlier because I would like to have Baby V on St. Patty's Day. She told me she couldn't do it because I would be 1 day short of 39 weeks, but she seemed like she could be swayed. The nurses in my l&d room immediately started telling me that they refuse c-sections before 39 weeks, so my doctor dropped it. I want to see if she can adjust my due date 1 day earlier in the system to accommodate the holiday c-section. At that point, the two nurses I had will have forgotten all about me. Since I may be able to change my c-section date, I don't want to tell my brother the current date. My in-laws have already purchased airfare, so they would be flying in 2 days after my c-section. This would require my brother to watch my son for 2 days and then my in-laws to watch him the rest. It's all totally confusing and stressful for me.

If I can get Baby V to flip on her own, I'm going to try nipple stimulation and extra exercise to get her coming sooner. I honestly just want a crystal ball to tell me how things are going to play out. It is so much harder trying to plan for a secret birth when we have a child who needs to be watched. I'm fairly certain my in-laws and my brother will both release our secret to someone else beforehand. It really bothers me that our big baby news is something that can't be kept private, but I know them both too well. It'll be a big game of, "Don't tell anyone since it's a secret, but their c-section is scheduled for 3/19!!" So, we'll have a bunch of family members telling each other not to tell anyone.

I know I'm over-analyzing. I know I'm jumping to conclusions. I know I'm getting myself more stressed out. It's impossible to avoid. I think about this stuff all day and night. My husband is busy working and trying to help out when he's home. He's not as stressed out about this stuff. His lack of input is actually making me feel worse. I'm worried, and I want someone else to worry more. I want help figuring this out.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT LIST

While I'm in my final stages of pregnancy, I thought it would be beneficial to write down a list of reasons why this is my last pregnancy:

• My husband and I always agreed on having two kids.
• We wanted our kids close together in age but can't handle three close together in age.
• Two kids makes us an even family of four.
• Two kids fit nicely in the back of a 5-seater car.
• When going to theme parks as a family, my kids can ride together.
• I already have my mother's necklace made with their names.
• I found 2 retro teddy bears from my childhood before we had our son, and I planned to give 1 bear to each of my kids.
• 2 kids is the perfect number to share a bedroom.
• My kids will have siblings to lean on later in life but won't cost us an arm and a leg.
• I hate being pregnant.
• I want control over my body back.
• I want to have my kids done with bottles, baby food, and diapers relatively soon.
• I want to be young enough to enjoy my husband again once my kids go to college.
• We had one child on my birthday and are expecting another during my husband's birth month.
• I'm having 1 of each gender and a third child would make somebody feel left out.
• I'm already slacking with my preparations for baby #2. Any other child would get even less attention.
• I'm done wondering what my family will look like one day. There is something calming about being absolute.
• Labor scares the hell out of me. 
• I'm in my prime for child-rearing. Once I hit 30, I want to move onto the next stage of my life.
• We get to reuse most of our son's baby items and then we get to sell sell sell!
• We won't have issues renting a hotel room since we'll only need two doubles.
• Gender wasn't as important with our child quantity, but it lucked out that we will each have a mini-me.
• We can have our wills made up after my daughter is born and be pretty set on how things divide.
• My father will be alive to know each child. His health is poor, so he probably won't live to meet his other grand kids if my brothers wait too long.
• If I had another girl, I don't have any names picked out. Our two kids' names were picked out in January of 2010. I'm glad to be done with that too.
• I'm an emotional wreck with this pregnancy. I think it would only get worse with each additional pregnancy.
• In these later months, it has been extremely hard "taking it easy" with my son. I want nothing more but to carry him around on walks and to play with him on the floor. 
• I want my energy back.
• I miss alcohol.
• I miss drinking tons of caffeine without feeling guilty.
• I miss skipping meals if I didn't feel hungry.
• I miss exercising.
• I miss tanning.
• I miss getting my hair bleached.
• I miss rough-housing with my dog.
• I hate pregnancy cravings and what they do to my body.
• I love the fact that once my daughter is out of car seats, I will no longer need them in any of my vehicles.
• My mom had 4 kids because she was addicted to pregnancy and newborns. I don't ever want to be like her.
• We don't want our kids outnumbering us in the home.

That's just a rough list of things I could think of during this posting. I know baby fever hit me hard around 3 months post partum last time. I have a feeling it'll hit me again after I give birth to my daughter. My husband plans on getting a vasectomy, and I need to fight every urge in my body to make another child. I have a tendency of talking myself into things based on impulse. This list was made to remind me of why we only want 2 kids. Big issues for me are pregnancy related and body issues tied to pregnancy. I have very easy pregnancies, which should make any woman want more. I just don't like it. I worry too much. I anticipate too much. I question every decision I make regarding food, exercise, water consumption, and sleep. It's just too much. I like being prepared and planning for my future. Right now, we are prepared for our two children. If we had an oops situation with a third pregnancy, I would of course be very excited. I would like to avoid that situation though because I enjoy knowing we planned our pregnancies. I like that I can one day tell my kids that we tried to get them. Having a third child and telling him/her that we thought we were done before getting that positive test result would make me feel like a shitty parent. If my husband and I hit the lottery and had some long-term benefits affect our lives, our child count would probably go up. We think 2 kids with day-care, education, and weddings is the most we can handle financially.

Getting Some Custom Baby Stuff

Look at that beautiful giraffe theme! When I had my son, I had not yet heard of PickySticky.com. I didn't catch on to the trend until he was 2 weeks old. By then, I was already behind with taking his pictures. So, I ordered a generic blue sticker set from their site and had to photoshop my first month's sticker.

With V, I decided to browse Etsy in order to find a cute brown/pink giraffe inspired sticker set for her monthly photos. After spending over an hour searching, I found a set I was happy with and pinned it to my pinterest board. When I hit my 7 month mark in this pregnancy, I decided to check Etsy again just to see if there was a better sticker set available. Since I couldn't find any, I went to my pinterest board and clicked to order the previously selected theme. Unfortunately, that store item was no longer available. I hadn't saved a link to the shop, so I couldn't even tell which store sold the missing sticker set.

My search for a new set had to start all over again. I eventually found a store with some nice, bold stickers and sent the owner a private message. We talked about creating something custom and she gave me the backgrounds and giraffe image as seen on the left. She's going to pick 6 different backgrounds and will be creating something unique for me. I am so much happier with this outcome than I would have been with my original choice. 

Emotional Pregnancy

I can't tell if I'm more emotional with this pregnancy because it's a girl or because I already have a child to take care of which prevents me from getting as much sleep as last time.
I'm fighting a bad head cold right now and am refusing to take any meds. I took Tylenol last pg but have read studies linking it to asthma. When I have a headache now, I drink caffeine. Last night was bad. I just wanted to cry about my health, my self-image, my lack of energy... Everything! I had a 5 minute cry session in the bathroom before going to bed. Once in bed, I started getting painful contractions on one side of my uterus. I tried to clear my mind, drank water, and switch positions. I eventually fell asleep with the help of my husband rubbing my back.

He's been nothing but helpful this entire pregnancy. In every aspect where I fail to handle my responsibilities, he picks up my slack. On days where I do nothing but slack, he handles housework, watching our son, taking care of me, and taking care of himself. I don't know where he finds the strength to do it everyday, but I know how lucky I am to have him. I'm now 33 weeks pregnant, so I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

My personal goal is to try and de-stress as much as possible. I can't pinpoint the cause of my emotions, but I certainly know their effects. I don't want preterm labor, and I don't want my hormones somehow permanently damaging my daughter. I'm going to work on getting more nutrients in my system, drinking more water, and getting more sleep.

Having No God

I've come to the conclusion that neither of my parents nor any of my brothers believe in God. We weren't raised in church. We attended public schools, and we all have different views on politics and life. I guess I'm just saddened to be the only one in my family who believes in a higher power and often prays to that power. I'm not comfortable in churches, and my bible collects dust. I'm less interested in the history of my religion but more interested in the future. 

There are some horrible things going on in the world, and there are glorious miracles happening every day. I can't help but pray for others who need support nor can I help being thankful for the blessings I've received.

I have a friend who's very young daughter is dying from a rare genetic disease. There is no cure, so my prayers are usually asking for more time for this young girl to be on earth and surrounded by love ones as comfortably as she can. I can't for one second believe that when this baby dies, that'll be the end of her. I have to believe she will be in Heaven waiting for her parents to join her. 

Therefore, I can only hope that my brothers are never in a situation where they have to say goodbye to a child or spouse. Either their views on religion will change, or they'll be looking at a very dark future. The best part about dying (for me) is my belief that loved ones will be reunited later. There is so much pain and suffering on this planet, that I couldn't bear it if peace and tranquility didn't follow.

Not Working From Home

Next Monday, I officially start getting paid to stay home. I'll be a stay at home mom (SAHM) with a weekly income all while not having to actually do work. It's an agreement made between my father/boss and myself. It all legally ties into my future ownership and how much my stock will be worth, but this money is going to truly help our family.

Currently, I work the first half of every day Monday-Friday. While I'm at work, I do very little work at all. For the most part, I spend my time playing on the internet. Because I'm at work, my husband has to be home and awake to watch our son. With this new plan, he can finally begin signing up for late night overtime slots and early morning overtime slots. My pay will be the same, except he will be working more hours at time and a half. Also, I'm due to deliver our daughter in March/April. Prior to this plan, I was going to take 6 weeks off without pay and would probably end up bringing my daughter into the office with me after that point. Our financial situation is terrible right now, so that 6 weeks of unpaid leave was scaring the crap out of me. Now, we won't be worrying about it.

I've talked to my husband about our financial goals. We really want to cut out fast food restaurants and if need be, head to the grocery store more often. He works 2nd shift and his days off rotate each week, so me being home all day every day gives us more time to see each other and have family time. We want to be more frugal with our cash and we're really looking forward to tax refunds this year. Our Prius is close to getting paid off. Our refund will be big enough to pay it off with some excess money left over. Getting rid of debt helps our income stretch out farther. I intend to use the cash from the old car payment to throw into our newer car payment, so instead of paying $200.00/month, we'll be paying $550.00/month.

We have some possible major family changes approaching this year regarding careers and home addresses, so I can't easily predict how our lives might change. I know we're having another child. From there, everything else is up in the air. It'll definitely be an adjustment staying at home and trying to better our finances, but I am thrilled to be away from the family business drama. With winter FINALLY approaching, it'll be nice to hibernate indoors rather than scrape my car off every morning and drive through blizzards to get to work.