I broke down into tears a week ago while I was pumping and both kids were crying as my husband played with them. At that moment, I realized something profound.
If I weren't Christian, I'd be dead already.
Because my belief in God is strong, I have the view that my life isn't truly mine to take. It would ve the ultimate sin to commit suicide.
Aside from that belief, I would have already ended my life. In my heart, I've brought two beautiful kids into the world. I truly feel my job is done. Every day, I wonder if my words or actions are somehow negatively impacting my kids. I think they are. I think they could go on to live full, successful lives without me. I don't fear death. My beliefs prevent me from taking my own life, so I must try to improve myself until my end.
When I get hints and remarks that infer my husband doesn't believe in God, I am saddened. It's because of God that my husband still has me as a wife. It's because of God that my children still have me as a mother. How can he not believe?
I don't see an end to my troubles unfortunately. I'm normally level headed and can put a plan in motion to achieve any goal. In this case, I'm lost. I'm spiraling downwards.
3 comments:
Stephanie, I want you to know you are a powerfull woman, you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit. I hope that someday soon you will be happy again and feel like you are doing wonderful things for your children!
I'd suggest you don't let life (or your husband's beliefs) get to you this much. KNOW your value, don't apologize for it, and don't expect anyone to give you permission to feel worthy. From what I read you write before, sounds your husband's supportive and loving, and that's ALL you need to think about. You'd never want him to feel like you're not satisfied with him just the way he is. Had he been a Christian, you'd still have problems, just cause he's a human. I think y'all have a solid relationship and that's more than a lot of people can say. So don't let those discouraging voices in your head win. You know they're not from God, because if you believe in Him, then you know He loves you and has created you for a purpose. Praying for you from here! xo's
Thanks for your kind words. I'm hoping for less stress at some point. I wish my guilt had an off switch.
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