Mommy's Little Girl

Possible face of V

I didn't get the dream relationship between mother and daughter growing up. I also didn't have any sisters to bond with. The cycle ends with V.  Unlike my childhood, V will be shown just how much her Mommy wanted her and loves her. Here's a list of activities I'd like to one day do with her in no particular order:

Go shopping together
Go to salon together
Pick out school dance dresses together
Pick out wedding dresses together
Have talks about how beautiful/smart/wonderful she is
Talk to her about her changing body
Teach her to respect herself before dating begins
Go on weekend trips together
Paint our nails
Sing loudly in the car
Take her to boy band concerts
Have weekend chick flick movie nights
Talk about boys
Plan sleepovers with her
Help her with homework
Help her figure out college plans
Let her know I'm always there when she needs me
Lecture her on all the life lessons I've already figured out ;)

Overwhelmed By Life

For the past several weeks, I've felt moments of happiness, moments of depression, and moments of utter nothingness. I find myself spacing out and hoping for some big moment to occur --some life changing event. While most people with this feeling usually work up the energy to get something done, I just sit and ponder what my purpose here on earth is. I look around and no longer question if I'm doing things right. I don't think I am. To say I feel like I'm letting everyone in my life down would be an understatement. I'm not a good worker to my employer. I'm not a good wife to my husband. I'm not a good mother to my son. I don't even think I'll be a good mother to my daughter. I'm already setting her up for disappointment. So instead of fixing my thoughts and making them better, I just sit here waiting for change. Change isn't coming. Problems are growing around me. Clutter is growing around me. Bills are getting larger. My body is getting larger. When I find myself thinking about how horrible things feel, I almost want to slap myself. I am so lucky to have the life I lead. It actually depresses me more to think about how ungrateful I am. No amount of caffeine or sleep seems to wake me up from this. 

Money is extremely tight right now, and I know my part-time work hours are not helping at all. I am not contributing like I should. When I get home from barely working any hours, I feel like crashing. I usually lie down while my son cruises and crawls circles around me. I meet his demands of food and diaper changes while occasionally making him laugh or smile. I have zero energy. I'm having issues surrounding myself with family. My family is constantly complaining about money or measuring people by their incomes.  I don't like hearing how "bad" my rich brothers have it because it only makes me feel lower. I want to escape the life I'm living, but I'm the one who chose this life. I chose to get married and have kids and move into my condo. If I'm unhappy, I can only blame myself. 

I've had ideas for positive blog posts I'd like to write on here, but I'm not in the right mental state to do any at the moment. I have a raging migraine and want nothing more than to fall asleep until March 2012. Since I can't do that. I will just log off.