I broke down into tears a week ago while I was pumping and both kids were crying as my husband played with them. At that moment, I realized something profound.
If I weren't Christian, I'd be dead already.
Because my belief in God is strong, I have the view that my life isn't truly mine to take. It would ve the ultimate sin to commit suicide.
Aside from that belief, I would have already ended my life. In my heart, I've brought two beautiful kids into the world. I truly feel my job is done. Every day, I wonder if my words or actions are somehow negatively impacting my kids. I think they are. I think they could go on to live full, successful lives without me. I don't fear death. My beliefs prevent me from taking my own life, so I must try to improve myself until my end.
When I get hints and remarks that infer my husband doesn't believe in God, I am saddened. It's because of God that my husband still has me as a wife. It's because of God that my children still have me as a mother. How can he not believe?
I don't see an end to my troubles unfortunately. I'm normally level headed and can put a plan in motion to achieve any goal. In this case, I'm lost. I'm spiraling downwards.
