Well Hello!

So far, this summer is better than last. I now have two toddlers and am no longer attached to a breast pump 24/7. My husband landed a great job this past winter, and we are still currently renting a home in our new state. We have faced some challenges this past year but have hopefully come out stronger and closer. Due to social networking, I am exposed to people and friends I wouldn't ordinarily know. There has been some terribly tragic situations with my friends, and each circumstance has made me truly count my blessings. Who am I to complain about life?

I've realized I must have things to look forward to otherwise I feel stuck in a rut. My life can feel rather monotonous at times, and I know I can judge myself too harshly. There's things we want for our family both long and short term, and it gives me hope to be on the same page as my husband.

My own personal tragedy this year came from euthanizing my dog. He bit my son for a second time, and my heart broke. Not a moment passes when I stop missing him. Even though I'm human and married and a mother of two small children, I feel like every day I live is a crime against my dog. He was my first responsibility 11 years ago. He relied on me to keep him safe. What did I do for him? I raised him to be antisocial. I forced him to live with children. I moved him across country. I caged him anytime I had something better to do. He spent these last 2-3 years miserable and depressed. No wonder he snapped at my child. He was scared and felt alone. Keeping him alive and having him severely harm my child would have been worse, but that scenario doesn't make euthanizing him a good decision. I wanted a sign to tell me I was doing the right thing. I never got it. I will never come to terms with putting him down. It only gets easier because I try to bury the pain. I think of him often when I'm alone. Most people think I'm nuts for still hurting, but I made the decision to end the life of my family member. He wasn't sick. He didn't understand. I didn't protect him from the crazy 2 year old mini human who wanted to touch him all the time. I failed. He paid the ultimate price.

This year will forever be tarnished by his passing and the events leading up to it. I hope he can forgive me and that I may see him again.