Finding a Job Sucks Right Now

So, I'm looking for a new job. It's a lot harder than I remember it being. I guess that's because I'm trying to find a good one now verses accepting anything I can find.

1. My first requirement for the job would be earning more than my UE benefits pay. That money is a lot less than what I was earning, but I don't expect to be making tons of money off the bat. 
2. My second requirement for the job would be potential for promotions. Since I'm looking to start a career in something new, entry level is all I can expect. I don't want to be a receptionist because there's no vertical climb involved.
3. My third requirement is steering clear of any sales/marketing/networking jobs. I don't have a persuasive bone in my body, and I don't want a job that doesn't have a clear pay scale. I don't want my pay getting based off quotas. I don't like the risk.

That being said, the job market isn't good near me as with most of the country. I live in Suburbia. There aren't any chic office buildings near by. We have factories/warehouses, and retail/food establishments. Most retail near me is paying minimum wage and looking for cashiers. I'm a college graduate and require more for my mortgage.

I've applied to some promising jobs on Craigslist. None have responded. I've applied at two major customer service call centers. One turned me down because I wasn't bilingual, and the other gave me an interview and computer assessment. Since the assessment, the HR contact has yet to return my calls. It was also more than an assessment. There was a personality quiz at the beginning, and I never, ever pass those. In high school, I was prescreened by Home Depot and Walmart. Both companies denied me prior to any interview because of my responses on those quizzes. I realize the tests have questions to see if you'd violate company policy or law in the future. Since I don't tend to steal or lie at my job, I don't think it's fair to cut good people out before giving them a chance to interview and work.

So anyway, I posted an ad on Craigslist with my resume and also a listing to walk dogs locally for cash. I've received nothing but spam from my resume offering work at home deals, and I've had 1 positive response for the dog walking ad.

Where are all the fun, exciting, and challenging jobs out there?