I have a form of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). I don't have heart palpitations. I don't get sweaty. I'm not even a shy person. I also have very little problem giving speeches in front of small or large groups of people.
What bothers me most is trying to impress a room full of strangers. The thought of attending a family reunion or high-school graduation just makes me flighty. I want to avoid social gatherings and stay home. I don't really even go out to parties with friends. I can't stand the thought of feeling alone in a room full of people. If I go to a family party with my bf, I can't help but feel left out. I sit alone by myself wondering how everyone else must view me.
This happened over the weekend during a wedding. I fled the party around 8:00pm because I didn't want to feel the pressure and stress any longer. I didn't want anyone asking me to get up and dance. I didn't want to be a part of any bouquet throwing ceremony. I just wanted to disappear. There was an open bar, but I'm too picky with my drinks. As I've read more into SAD, I realize that many people with this disorder have a tendency to hide it with alcohol. This eventually leads to alcohol dependency problems. During this entire wedding weekend, I didn't drink a drop of alcohol. While family members were drinking and laughing, I was attempting to fit in.
I effectively failed at breaking free of my anxiety. I know my negative thoughts bring me to a very dark and lonely place. I kept clinging to strangers that had no idea who I was. I would talk to waiters and random hotel guests. I couldn't handle talking to my bf or his very large extended family. I couldn't wait to return home and feel safe again.
That's where am I now while writing this blog. I don't want to go through that type of stress again, but there will always be a family party lurking around the corner. I need to get my negative thoughts in check. Now is as good a time as ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment