For the past several weeks, I've felt moments of happiness, moments of depression, and moments of utter nothingness. I find myself spacing out and hoping for some big moment to occur --some life changing event. While most people with this feeling usually work up the energy to get something done, I just sit and ponder what my purpose here on earth is. I look around and no longer question if I'm doing things right. I don't think I am. To say I feel like I'm letting everyone in my life down would be an understatement. I'm not a good worker to my employer. I'm not a good wife to my husband. I'm not a good mother to my son. I don't even think I'll be a good mother to my daughter. I'm already setting her up for disappointment. So instead of fixing my thoughts and making them better, I just sit here waiting for change. Change isn't coming. Problems are growing around me. Clutter is growing around me. Bills are getting larger. My body is getting larger. When I find myself thinking about how horrible things feel, I almost want to slap myself. I am so lucky to have the life I lead. It actually depresses me more to think about how ungrateful I am. No amount of caffeine or sleep seems to wake me up from this.
Money is extremely tight right now, and I know my part-time work hours are not helping at all. I am not contributing like I should. When I get home from barely working any hours, I feel like crashing. I usually lie down while my son cruises and crawls circles around me. I meet his demands of food and diaper changes while occasionally making him laugh or smile. I have zero energy. I'm having issues surrounding myself with family. My family is constantly complaining about money or measuring people by their incomes. I don't like hearing how "bad" my rich brothers have it because it only makes me feel lower. I want to escape the life I'm living, but I'm the one who chose this life. I chose to get married and have kids and move into my condo. If I'm unhappy, I can only blame myself.
I've had ideas for positive blog posts I'd like to write on here, but I'm not in the right mental state to do any at the moment. I have a raging migraine and want nothing more than to fall asleep until March 2012. Since I can't do that. I will just log off.
2 comments:
I think this is a normal part of pregnancy though I know it probably feels overwhelming and consuming. I've been there. Do you get to spend time alone participating in a hobby? That helps me.
Thank you Jeska. I these feelings come and go but it's the coming back that bothers me. I don't remember feeling this overwhelmed during my first pregnancy, and I hate wondering what these emotions/hormones are doing to this future child.
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