Emotional Pregnancy

I can't tell if I'm more emotional with this pregnancy because it's a girl or because I already have a child to take care of which prevents me from getting as much sleep as last time.
I'm fighting a bad head cold right now and am refusing to take any meds. I took Tylenol last pg but have read studies linking it to asthma. When I have a headache now, I drink caffeine. Last night was bad. I just wanted to cry about my health, my self-image, my lack of energy... Everything! I had a 5 minute cry session in the bathroom before going to bed. Once in bed, I started getting painful contractions on one side of my uterus. I tried to clear my mind, drank water, and switch positions. I eventually fell asleep with the help of my husband rubbing my back.

He's been nothing but helpful this entire pregnancy. In every aspect where I fail to handle my responsibilities, he picks up my slack. On days where I do nothing but slack, he handles housework, watching our son, taking care of me, and taking care of himself. I don't know where he finds the strength to do it everyday, but I know how lucky I am to have him. I'm now 33 weeks pregnant, so I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

My personal goal is to try and de-stress as much as possible. I can't pinpoint the cause of my emotions, but I certainly know their effects. I don't want preterm labor, and I don't want my hormones somehow permanently damaging my daughter. I'm going to work on getting more nutrients in my system, drinking more water, and getting more sleep.

Having No God

I've come to the conclusion that neither of my parents nor any of my brothers believe in God. We weren't raised in church. We attended public schools, and we all have different views on politics and life. I guess I'm just saddened to be the only one in my family who believes in a higher power and often prays to that power. I'm not comfortable in churches, and my bible collects dust. I'm less interested in the history of my religion but more interested in the future. 

There are some horrible things going on in the world, and there are glorious miracles happening every day. I can't help but pray for others who need support nor can I help being thankful for the blessings I've received.

I have a friend who's very young daughter is dying from a rare genetic disease. There is no cure, so my prayers are usually asking for more time for this young girl to be on earth and surrounded by love ones as comfortably as she can. I can't for one second believe that when this baby dies, that'll be the end of her. I have to believe she will be in Heaven waiting for her parents to join her. 

Therefore, I can only hope that my brothers are never in a situation where they have to say goodbye to a child or spouse. Either their views on religion will change, or they'll be looking at a very dark future. The best part about dying (for me) is my belief that loved ones will be reunited later. There is so much pain and suffering on this planet, that I couldn't bear it if peace and tranquility didn't follow.

Not Working From Home

Next Monday, I officially start getting paid to stay home. I'll be a stay at home mom (SAHM) with a weekly income all while not having to actually do work. It's an agreement made between my father/boss and myself. It all legally ties into my future ownership and how much my stock will be worth, but this money is going to truly help our family.

Currently, I work the first half of every day Monday-Friday. While I'm at work, I do very little work at all. For the most part, I spend my time playing on the internet. Because I'm at work, my husband has to be home and awake to watch our son. With this new plan, he can finally begin signing up for late night overtime slots and early morning overtime slots. My pay will be the same, except he will be working more hours at time and a half. Also, I'm due to deliver our daughter in March/April. Prior to this plan, I was going to take 6 weeks off without pay and would probably end up bringing my daughter into the office with me after that point. Our financial situation is terrible right now, so that 6 weeks of unpaid leave was scaring the crap out of me. Now, we won't be worrying about it.

I've talked to my husband about our financial goals. We really want to cut out fast food restaurants and if need be, head to the grocery store more often. He works 2nd shift and his days off rotate each week, so me being home all day every day gives us more time to see each other and have family time. We want to be more frugal with our cash and we're really looking forward to tax refunds this year. Our Prius is close to getting paid off. Our refund will be big enough to pay it off with some excess money left over. Getting rid of debt helps our income stretch out farther. I intend to use the cash from the old car payment to throw into our newer car payment, so instead of paying $200.00/month, we'll be paying $550.00/month.

We have some possible major family changes approaching this year regarding careers and home addresses, so I can't easily predict how our lives might change. I know we're having another child. From there, everything else is up in the air. It'll definitely be an adjustment staying at home and trying to better our finances, but I am thrilled to be away from the family business drama. With winter FINALLY approaching, it'll be nice to hibernate indoors rather than scrape my car off every morning and drive through blizzards to get to work.

Mommy's Little Girl

Possible face of V

I didn't get the dream relationship between mother and daughter growing up. I also didn't have any sisters to bond with. The cycle ends with V.  Unlike my childhood, V will be shown just how much her Mommy wanted her and loves her. Here's a list of activities I'd like to one day do with her in no particular order:

Go shopping together
Go to salon together
Pick out school dance dresses together
Pick out wedding dresses together
Have talks about how beautiful/smart/wonderful she is
Talk to her about her changing body
Teach her to respect herself before dating begins
Go on weekend trips together
Paint our nails
Sing loudly in the car
Take her to boy band concerts
Have weekend chick flick movie nights
Talk about boys
Plan sleepovers with her
Help her with homework
Help her figure out college plans
Let her know I'm always there when she needs me
Lecture her on all the life lessons I've already figured out ;)

Overwhelmed By Life

For the past several weeks, I've felt moments of happiness, moments of depression, and moments of utter nothingness. I find myself spacing out and hoping for some big moment to occur --some life changing event. While most people with this feeling usually work up the energy to get something done, I just sit and ponder what my purpose here on earth is. I look around and no longer question if I'm doing things right. I don't think I am. To say I feel like I'm letting everyone in my life down would be an understatement. I'm not a good worker to my employer. I'm not a good wife to my husband. I'm not a good mother to my son. I don't even think I'll be a good mother to my daughter. I'm already setting her up for disappointment. So instead of fixing my thoughts and making them better, I just sit here waiting for change. Change isn't coming. Problems are growing around me. Clutter is growing around me. Bills are getting larger. My body is getting larger. When I find myself thinking about how horrible things feel, I almost want to slap myself. I am so lucky to have the life I lead. It actually depresses me more to think about how ungrateful I am. No amount of caffeine or sleep seems to wake me up from this. 

Money is extremely tight right now, and I know my part-time work hours are not helping at all. I am not contributing like I should. When I get home from barely working any hours, I feel like crashing. I usually lie down while my son cruises and crawls circles around me. I meet his demands of food and diaper changes while occasionally making him laugh or smile. I have zero energy. I'm having issues surrounding myself with family. My family is constantly complaining about money or measuring people by their incomes.  I don't like hearing how "bad" my rich brothers have it because it only makes me feel lower. I want to escape the life I'm living, but I'm the one who chose this life. I chose to get married and have kids and move into my condo. If I'm unhappy, I can only blame myself. 

I've had ideas for positive blog posts I'd like to write on here, but I'm not in the right mental state to do any at the moment. I have a raging migraine and want nothing more than to fall asleep until March 2012. Since I can't do that. I will just log off.