Learning From My Mother's Mistakes

Today, I stopped by my mom's house for a little chit chat. I was there for several hours before our fight began. I made the statement, "all four of us wish we had a normal parent." I was making reference to the fact that my mother has panic disorder, which prevents her from driving, going out to stores, and from crossing major roads. My father is legally blind due to diabetes, and he is completely dependent on my step-mother for permission to be driven to visit any of us four kids. I was basically saying that it's impossible to go shopping with either parent and follow it up with going out to dinner or a movie like most of our friends do with their respective parents. My mom replied with, "I took care of you when you most needed it." At that statement, I couldn't think of when she actually took care of me. Her view of our childhood must be getting tinted by rose-colored glasses.

Background:
My parents have been divorced since I was in kindergarten. My father fought like hell to gain custody of us kids because my mom was a physically and verbally abusive parent. (She's much tamer/harmless now.) In front of judges and therapists, my mom acted like a saint. In private, she chose my younger brother as her "favorite" child. She showered him with "I love you's" and compliments. Whenever someone complimented her on how wonderful her children were, she'd willingly joke about giving us away for free. "You want 'em? Take 'em!" When our child support checks came in from our wealthy father, the money went straight to her mortgage and utilities. Food was always running out at home or we weren't allowed to eat much at each meal. We were always growing out of our clothes or getting holes in our socks. My mom refused to find a high paying job. She decided to work for minimum wage at a local retailer. She never tried to get another part-time job either. Why did she need to work more? Our daddy was paying the bills. When our dad would pick us up for visitation, he'd see the poor state of our clothing. He'd take us out to buy new clothes because he knew our own mother wouldn't do it. Regardless of how hard my father fought, he never gained custody. He eventually remarried a Polish immigrant. She brought her own daughters into our family and caused a completely new tale of bad parenting.

Today's Problem:
Upon stating the bad parenting issue, my mother asked me to leave. I don't think she has the right to say she did the best she could. She wasn't a single mom of 4 children with out the help of a deadbeat dad. Single moms get my respect. My mother fought my father in court to get us all to herself. She chose to raise us poorly. What she fails to realize is that I prayed frequently throughout my childhood that my mother would one day love me. I wanted her to stop calling me names. I wanted her to hug me. When I realized she was incapable of offering motherly love, I prayed that my dad would come rescue me. The rescue never came because my step-mother also chose to favor her children over us.

Lesson to Learn:
I've learned that I needed to find a partner in life that loved me and cared about family. My husband is a wonderful man that cannot wait to have a family. He was raised by two caring parents that let him know everyday how much they love him (and me now). It's an unusual feeling for me due to my two parents giving up so long ago. As a child, I questioned whether I would ever feel loved. My mom would tell me that no man would ever want to marry me. If I ever had kids, she predicted they would be terrible brats. It really stunts your emotional growth to hear that everyday. I have learned from my mother that I will not be like her. I will do my absolute best to let my children know how loved they are. My husband and I want our baby to come home. We want to shower him with love, hugs, and kisses. We know that my side of the family may not embrace him with love at all times, but he'll just get more of that from us.